Yesterday, an historic event occurred, one of earth-shattering proportions. At 11:00 am, I had my first Dental appointment in over five years.
That’s right — my mouth hasn’t truly been clean in over 1,825 days. . . until yesterday, that is.
I know, I know — dental health is very important and regular dental visits are imperative. I really do get that.
But, um . . . you see, I’m kind of busy. Too busy to be bothered with dentists and their x-rays, flossing sermons, and hygienists.
My sister, Sarah, the Dental Hygienist, did NOT buy that excuse. As soon as she heard I was coming to visit, she called.
My Sister (The Dental Hygiene Freak): Hey — do you want me to make you an appointment while you’re here?
Me (The Unclean): For my teeth?
The Freak: Of course! I can clean them for you and, by the way, I read your blog.
The Unclean: Ok?
The Freak: I saw your mention about getting yellow teeth from Dr. Pepper and Coffee.
The Unclean: Oh, good grief- – THAT’S what you remember from that post?
The Freak: Let me take some impressions of your teeth and I’ll make you some whitening trays.
I tried to warn her — I told her that I never floss, that no one scrapes my teeth . . . that I probably have more barnacles than all of her patients combined.
Sarah wouldn’t listen and the appointment was made.
And the nerves set in. What if I have the worst teeth she’s ever seen? What if every tooth has a cavity? What if the doctor comes in and says that he’s ashamed of me, that I have no business even walking in his building, that he hopes my child looks up to someone else as a role model of good oral hygiene? What if it hurts?
There was no way to cancel this visit — Sarah wouldn’t let me. She was so appalled by how long I’d gone without a visit that I knew that little mite would hunt me down, tools in hand, if I didn’t show up. (darn her and her obsession with clean teeth!)
I’m sure you can imagine how the actual visit went. I showed up, promised I wouldn’t share any embarrassing stories with the her boss (ooo . . . I think I broke that promise. Oops), sat down under the bright light, and opened my mouth.
And then she said it.
“YOU HAVE REALLY GOOD TEETH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Heck, YEAH, I do!
Take that, you 3 out of 4 dentists who are always trying to get me to buy your products. I DON’T NEED THEM!!
Seriously, apparently, I have miracle teeth — ones that repel build-up, tartar, plaque, and everything else that can show up on pearly white enamel (or not so pearly white, as the case may be).
Now, there was one, teeny-tiny cavity in one of my wisdom teeth (yeah, I still have them — remember, I don’t go to the dentist). But, what’s a wisdom tooth? They’re not real teeth — you don’t need them for anything. Everyone throws those babies away!
My real teeth ROCK.
Maybe I’ll reward them with a flossing now and then.
