Well, there’s a change in plans.
About 2 – 3 months ago, when we became committed to pursuing adoption, Curt and decided we would get a loan to cover the cost of the adoption. Well, Curt is a banker and HATES getting into debt for anything. . . . . .
Long story short, he tells me (after I confront him about getting a loan — since everytime I would mention going to the bank he would ignore me) that he does not want to get a loan, i.e. go into debt. On one hand, I respect that; I hate getting into debt too — it stresses me out. BUT, on the other hand, this means that we have to save up for an adoption. . . which will push it to another 1-2 years or waiting!!!!!
It’s not that Curt is scared of being a parent, or wanting to put it off. .. he’s actually really excited; his coworkers always talk about how excited he is — he talks to his clients about us adopting! I know he wants to be a father — he just doesn’t want to take out a loan to do it. Needless to say, I was really, REALLY upset after he told me all of this. I tried not to show him — I did tell him, I was honest about it all, but I didn’t let him see just HOW disappointed and hurt I felt by this. I had my heart SET on adopting within the next year — I’d already started looking at nursery themes, etc. And, now I hear that we waiting another 2 years. Wow.
Because of this, I asked Curt if I could pursue fertility treatments with my new Doctor. . . if I’m going to be waiting to adopt, I figure I can at least spend my time TTC — especially since insurance will pay for most treatment options. He said gave me an emphatic go-ahead. So, I have an appointment with a new doctor on Thursday — hopefully, we can start some things that can help get things going toward actually getting pregnant. This Dr. is supposed to be good; he was recommended by my family doc. He’s her doctor, her daughter’s, and her nurse’s. . . in fact, he helped the nurse get pregnant after trying for 8 years. I talked with that nurse the last time I was at the doctor. She couldn’t say enough good things about him.
So that’s the story. I’m disappointed about not adopting this year. . . and I’m not sure about how I feel about TTC. I’m kinda excited about it, but I’m also worried that either (a) nothing will work and it will just be a huge circle of getting my hopes up and then feeling discouragement. I’m also worried about actually getting pregnant and then losing that baby too. I can’t imagine going through another miscarriage. I’m so worried about losing another baby– I don’t want that. I don’t want to be responsible for another baby not living.
Now, I know that there wasn’t anything that I physically did to cause my baby’s life to expire, but . . . as Lydia’s mommie, I was supposed to take care of her for 9 months. . . give her my blood, my breath, my energy, sustenance. It’s hard NOT to feel responsible for Lydia’s little heart not beating.
My body has problems — my body does not have the ability to naturally give life. That’s what makes me feel responsible for what happened to Lydia. I don’t want my body to take life away from another miracle.
I need help — prayers. Curt and I prayed this morning after I told him how scared I was. I need to trust God with all of this. I need to completely give these fears and emotions to him. Who else has any control? I certainly don’t.
