(1) MY child did not get soooo excited about her first set of “big girl panties,” that she sang (AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS, mind you) “I got Big Girl Panties,” to the tune of “B-I-N-G-O,” the entire time we were grocery shopping. No, my child would be a little more ladylike than that.
(2) MY child did not decide that coloring on paper is boring and choose, instead, to try creating her own frescos . . . in TWO rooms of my house. No, my child wouldn’t do that — especially because I do “such” a good job of monitoring her with her crayons. Oh . . .and MY child also never, ever, EVER color on windows. Never.
(3) MY child would not use the phrase “No way, Jose” when speaking to her daddy, and she certainly wouldn’t have learned it from her Mommy. Goodness, she most certainly would NOT have heard her Mommy saying that to Daddy.
(4) MY other child did not decide to become a projectile pooping monster for Halloween. . . while getting a diaper change on our new couch. ‘Nuff said about that one.
(5) MY child did not tell me that “[Mommy’s] hiney is broken.” That just wouldn’t be applicable at all — I just had a baby. Of COURSE, my hiney is in PERFECT shape. You could “bounce a quarter off of it.” as the saying goes. . . . or not. 🙁
(6) MY child did not decide to become very, very quiet . . . sneak into the downstairs bathroom . . . pick up the plunger . . . and “stir the water.” No, my Little Lady would never do something like that, and she wouldn’t decide to wash the walls with that same water. Surely, she is smart enough to know that is just plain GROSS.
(7) MY child did not realize that Mommy is a little incapacitated while nursing, and (therefore) nursing time is the PERFECT time to do everything she has ever wanted to do . . . such as color on walls and stir toilet water. No, my child would not be so sneaky as to try that theory.