I came across this phrase, saying, quotation, etc. today. I’ve not seen anything that more aptly fits the emotions I feel more often than not. (of course, I teared up when I read it — but then again, I can tear up, cry, at the drop of a hat)
“She clings to the hand of God,
To keep from going wild,
And in his presence comes to know
His other hand holds her child.”
It is so odd to me that I still feel everything so acutely; I still ache for Lydia. . . still grieve for her . . . still yearn to know her. I think the wait we still have for a child makes it worse — after we lost Lydia, I listened to all the encouragement that people gave me, telling me that “you’ll get pregnant again;” “at least you know you can get pregnant,” etc.
I believed those mantras, believed that I wouldn’t have to wait long to become a mother again. Little did I know that it would be years of waiting — who knows how long it will end up being? It’s been two years so far, and it looks like that there will be no babies for us in 2006. Perhaps 2007 will be our year? It’s hard to think positively about it anymore, hard to believe that it will really happen for us. Curt remains positive; his faith in God, his trust that God will bring us a family, is so strong. I wish mine was as intense and unwaivering.
We did have a bit of good news the other day; my insurance sent out their preferred and non-preferred drug lists the other day. The bad news is that the BC my doc has me on is NOT on the preferred list, so I’m paying $45 a month right now for that. BUT, the injectibles that I will need if we go ahead with an IUI or IVF ARE on the preferred list — so, my insurance will cover them and it looks like I will only have to pay the $5 copay! Praise God!
I’m going to call my insurance here in a little bit; I need to do some research as to what type of treatments are covered under my plan.
Oh, are you wondering why I have the time to post right now and call my insurance company? Yeah, the reason would be due to the fact I was without transportation today and couldn’t go to work!!! Last night, on my way home, two different belts came off while I was exiting I-10!!! All of the sudden, I was not able to make any turns (without throwing my entire weight into each turn, huffing and puffing to wrench the wheel around) and I was having difficulty coming to a complete stop. Thank GOD that nothing crazy happened on the way home — there is no way I would have been able to swerve or quickly stop in order to miss something in the road. I was praying the whole way home. Thank you, God, for answering prayers! To make the experience even more frightening, I had left my cell phone at work! I had no way to call Curtis — so, I had to carefully and slowly make my way home, hoping and praying that I was not going to get stuck in the neighborhoods I was driving through. If I’d had to stop, I don’t know what would have happened — those neighborhoods at night are not welcoming and Curt’s cell phone number would have been long-distance. Crap — scary to think about all the things that could have happened.
So, now I sit at home, waiting to hear back from the mechanics that came out and picked up the car early this morning. We’re getting a rental car so I can get back to work tomorrow; we have no idea how long it will take to get the car fixed. It looks like it is connected to Curt’s wreck back in November — so, the insurance will have to get involved and that is what will slow things down.
Oy ve. It seems it’s just one thing after the other — does life ever slow down???????
