Did you know that the plane ride from Houston to New York is long? Really long? REALLY LONG?
I didn’t either before my whirlwind trip last week, but now I am well educated in traveling to NYC and back.
(I call myself my own resident “Leaving Houston for NYC” expert, thank you very much)
I now also know that long plane rides are B-O-R-I-N-G.
OH, my gosh. Seriously, people — absolutely awful.
Please don’t tell me you’re one of those “Oh, I just lurrrve riding on a plane — you meet so many fascinating people” types. Please — just keep that to yourself today.
I am NOT one of those people. In fact, I hate being on a plane. H.A.T.E. it.
- I don’t like sitting on someone else’s elbow the entire trip.
- I don’t like the slightly musty, mildew-y smell of airplane upholstery.
- I don’t like touching anything ’cause you KNOW the overhead bins, snack trays, and recline button are NOT sterilized in between flights. (shudders)
- And, I never like the person I find myself seated next to — sorry, but they are ALWAYS weird: open-mouth breathers, chatty cathies, dirty smelling, ear hair out of control, obnoxious to the flight attendant, think they’re the funniest people God ever made . . . weirdos.
- AND, they always steal my arm-rest. MY arm-rest.
I’m sorry — I know I’m coming off as the rudest person in the world, but I just can’t stand focusing on anyone else during a flight. The bottom line? I really need to focus on my own breathing and surpressing panic attacks.
Yep, I’m slightly scared of flying.
And, I get air-sick thanks to crazy turbulence.
So, I’d much rather close my eyes, read a book, or do anything else that keeps me from thinking about the people next to me or the fact that there are mere INCHES of metal keeping me from falling thousands of feet to the earth. INCHES, people
During last week’s flight, I had my choice of reading material: SkyMall or some random publication about North Carolina.
I started with SkyMall, ’cause I hadn’t seen a good collection of jewelry from Lord of the Rings in awhile.
But, this particular edition wasn’t just filled with random epic movie souvenirs . . . this SkyMall had some of the creepiest items for sale. Creepy.
First up, the Yard Zombie.
Arriving in 3 pieces and only costing you $89,95, this is the perfect, life-size “scary-head-and-torso-coming-up-out-of-the-ground”. Look at that face — you know you want it.
Next, your own personal Yeti.
Look at him — carefully molded wavy fur and fierce grimace. And he’ll cuddle up to any tree.
(seriously though, can you imagine walking up to someone’s house and seeing this? And, is it bad that I secretly want to get one just to see how the Little Lady would react?)
Moving indoors — the Life-Like Doll for Adults
This isn’t the X-Rated kind of doll — no, this is a sweetly crafted baby doll (with real, wispy eyelashes and hair) that, as the advertisement touts, you can name all by yourself! Perfect for your slightly crazed grandma who is upset you haven’t produced another grandchild.
If none of those items appeal to you, SkyMall also offers numerous scenic tapestries depicting Western America and Howling Wolves, a face mask that will tone your facial muscles for you, and four different litter boxes — each disguised as household furniture and decor. That’s right, your cat can urinate in your side table, end table, fake tree, or beneath your chair.
I’m sure lots of people buy those.
Probably the same ones that insist on stealing my arm-rest.