One thing I failed to realize during my pregnancy was that there would come a day when I wouldn’t be pregnant and I wouldn’t have a new baby.
(Confused? Stay with me here.)
During my brief 38 weeks of being Mr. Boy’s incubator, I loved the sight of my expanding, egg-shaped waistline and the feeling of my abdomen’s firm fullness as it stretched in time with his growth. Everything was a miraculous reminder that I — the infertile one — was growing someone. A someone who would come out a wrinkly, red, tiny, squawking mess. Perfection.
I didn’t really think much about life past that point. Never considered what my body would be like once Mr. Boy was 3 months, 4 months, or 6 months. I never realized the love I had for my large, pregnant self would fade away as Mr. Boy grew and I failed to shrink.
This past weekend, swim-suit season started early for our family with our trip to Great Wolf Lodge. Talk about PANIC! Yeah, it hit full force when I realized on FRIDAY, the day before we were to leave, that “Oh, yeah — I’m going to a water-park!” Water-park. Swimming. Swim Suits.
With the Little Lady, Mr. Boy, and our shopping cart crammed into a dressing room, I spent a good two hours trying on various swimming attire. With each suit, I became more and more upset. I no longer fit into “my” size. I’m now a fully-fledged plus sized woman — and, I’ll admit, that fact doesn’t settle well with me.
I couldn’t commit to purchasing a suit from that section of the store — couldn’t commit to acknowledging that I’m now a “big woman” by the standards of most. (sigh)
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| (This game was the Little Lady’s “faborite!”) |
The frustration of that shopping trip and my “new” physique left a bad taste in my mouth and a frustrated mood in my head. When it came time to visit the water-park, I wasn’t in a good frame of mind and I was hot. Very hot.
Hubby and the Little Lady were in their suits, swimming and splashing away. Me? I was in a pair of jeans that did nothing but remind me that I was “big.” For hours, I sat in my hot jeans, holding a very wiggly Mr. Boy –who would NOT sit still — both of us getting warmer and warmer in 84 degree, humid indoor park.
(Side note. Even under normal circumstances, Me + Heat + Humidity = A Mama in a Baaaaaaaad Mood.)
In that dark mood, I started looking at the hundreds and hundreds of people around me. . . and, it wasn’t good.
I started critiquing everyone. Yes, that was how I bitterly spent my time — turning to others and picking out the flaws I saw or heard.
It’s embarrassing to see all of this in print — see how absolutely AWFUL I am? It was non stop. I saw someone and I criticized. Over and over. Their attire. Their lovely leathery skin all hanging and flapping as they walked. The too small tops trying to contain body parts that were vehemently protesting their restraints.
All because I was in a bad mood — angry about weight gained during a miracle pregnancy.
Absolutely ridiculous, right? Yeah, it was.
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| (I *wish* I’d had a better camera to capture her sweet face!) |
Then, I saw this face. A sweet, ecstatic face. Eyes oblivious to any flaws in others. Ears deaf to the sounds of coughing, sneezing, yelling, screaming. A mind consumed only with the joy of playing in the water — with her daddy. The Little Lady was having way too much fun to pay any attention to anyone else.
I looked around me, again — but this time, I looked through eyes awakened to a new purpose. Instead of the annoying, coughing old man, I saw a Grandpa, treading the foot high water with trepidation, trying to keep up with an energetic and squealing grandson. A child who didn’t see an old man or hear a gross cough. The only thing this child knew was pure, innocent fun as water droplets from the brightly painted spilling buckets sprayed him and his Grandpa.
The Grandpa? He was aware of his aging, weak knees, but he wasn’t letting that stop him from walking all over the Great Wolf Lodge water park . . . weaving in and out of the wet crowd as he followed the high pitched shouts of his boy.
As my eyes wandered from this duo to the other families and individuals I had been watching, I noticed a common denominator.
They were all having fun.
Moms and their teenage daughters weren’t letting any potential physical hang-ups stop them from enjoying the splash pad, the wave pool, or any of the water slides.
Dads, of all shapes and sizes and ages, were acting like little boys, chasing their chil
dren in and out of the water.
Looking from face to face to face, I didn’t see anything but smiles. Grins from ear to ear.
I seemed to be the. only. one. in this giant, indoor, humid place who wasn’t enjoying herself. Whose fault was that? Mine alone. I had been invited to Great Wolf Lodge to create family memories and to “have fun,” but I was letting my personal issues with weight stop all of that.
At that moment, if I could have slapped myself without drawing attention, I would have. I needed it. Instead, I stripped Mr. Boy down to his diaper, handed him to his Daddy, and spent the next few moments laughing as my children enjoyed their first joint water adventure (outside of the bathtub). I didn’t care that I was wearing my fat jeans. Didn’t care that my arms are three times the size they used to be.
I was too busy trying to capture smiles and splashes.
*Oh – dear fellow Houston bloggers that attended the Great Wolf Lodge event, I cross my heart and hope to die that NONE of these thoughts were about any of you. Promise, promise, promise!
