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When Do You Get Used To Being Pregnant?

January 4, 2011

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When do you stop worrying every minute of the day?

For the three weeks since I received my first positive pregnancy test, there hasn’t been a single day that I’ve not worried over every little thing, held my breath over a twinge, or stopped to pray and beg God to protect this baby.

I hate living in fear like this.

Hate it.

I want to enjoy these moments — these days that multiple doctors told me would not happen.

I wasn’t supposed to be here once, let alone twice!  Pregnant?  ME?

After our first pregnancy, which ended seven years ago as a missed miscarriage, I went through a battery of tests and numerous rounds of Clomid.  When the sixth round of that fertility drug once again failed to stimulate my body to ovulate, my doctor simply said unless I was willing to try IVF, pregnancy wasn’t going to happen.

So now, I still hear my doctors in my head and still remember the experience of losing our baby.

With those memories swirling in my head, I walk on eggshells every day . . . afraid to feel happy.  Afraid to be excited.  Afraid to do anything but ask God for a miracle.

In about a week, I’ll go back to my doctor for one more confirmation ultrasound.  If the heartbeat isn’t visible this time (it wasn’t at my last ultrasound, which occurred at 6 weeks, 2 days), there will be no more ultrasounds.

Sigh.

I wish I could look forward to the appointment and believe that I’ll see that little heart pumping away. . . instead of secretively dreading the ultrasound and the possibility of bad news.

GAH!  Why am I being so negative over this?  I just want to enjoy being pregnant. . . not wake and sleep in fear.

Sigh.

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About Rachel Lacy

Rachel Lacy is the author of Following In My Shoes, where she blogs about Mommyhood, Family-Friendly Recipes and Bento Lunches, and Life in Texas. She is a lover of all things Coffee and Nutella.
You can also connect with Rachel Lacy on Google+.

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Who is Rachel LacyMy name is Rachel -- I share tales about food and family. I'm a home-cook who focuses on fresh meals to both fuel us and to help us celebrate our family-life. My day starts with coffee. Lots of coffee.
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