The Things That Come Out of My Mouth

Alternate Titles:

You Know You’re a Parent When . . .

The Things Your Mother Never Told You (and laughs about behind your back) . . .

When Good Toddlers Go Bad . . .

The Real World — Mommy/Daddy Style . . .

Oy, vey! What in the WORLD was up with my children this past week? Was there some cosmic force at play? Pressure changes I didn’t know about? Was there a full moon (or five) last week?

Here’s a little sampling of how my parenting skills were challenged this week:

Here are more phrases uttered by me and my husband; and please, if you would be so kind, tell me we aren’t the only ones who say this kind of crap!

Do NOT pull that snail out of his shell! He’ll get hurt. . . . No, we can’t take him to the doctor. You pull him out — he’s sick for good. DON’T PULL HIM OUT! PUT HIM DOWN, PUT HIM DOWN, PUT HIM DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do Mommy & Daddy put their feet on your face? That’s right — we don’t. So why do you keep trying to put your feet on Mr. Boy’s face?
No, no, no, no, no, no, nonononononono, NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO !
What the $%&# ? (I really did self-sensor here; promise!) HUBBY! There is STYROFOAM in MR. BOY’S DIAPER!!!!
Little Lady! Ugh — WHERE are your pants? We don’t take our pants off in the GROCERY STORE!
WHAT in the WORLD? When did you eat EASTER GRASS? Mr. Boy!!!! (he’s crawling, by the way . . . and sweeping/vacuuming three times a day is, apparently, not enough)
Hubby! GET IN HERE and LOOK at what your daughter is doing! It’s like she thinks it’s play-dough. (I’ll spare you further details)
Seriously? It’s 11:30, you know I’m exhausted, and you wanna know if I’m in the mood? Seriously? (ok, so that one wasn’t about the kids. . .but I figured some of you have been there, done that with this too and can commiserate)
LITTLE LADY! He’s not a pony — we do not ride on Mr. Boy!
(sigh) Little Lady, do we close the door on you when you’re following us into a room? No, we don’t — so, don’t do that to your brother. He’s just a baby and that’s not nice. . . . Yes, I know he pulls your hair, but that doesn’t mean you can slam the door in his face. Ok?
That’s IT! I’m going shopping. They’re all yours. Don’t call me unless there’s an emergency . . . and it had better be a REAL EMERGENCY!