Thank you, Sunday night’s Hallmark TV Special, for giving me a headache (courtesy of all the crying) and ruining my mascara. And . . . for making me miss the world of Teaching.
It was the sweetest story about an elementary teacher, Mr. Cohen, who was a fabulous teacher living with Tourette’s. Not only did he have fabulous lesson plans, not only did he inspire every student, and not only did he reach the “hard to reach students,” he became Georgia’s New Teacher of the Year. Yeah — hard not to keep from crying. (Hey — it’s ok if I cry a little; I still remember my 1st year and I certainly didn’t have to deal with such an obvious disability).
And, in addition to all of that, he also lost one of his little students to cancer. Yeah — try not to keep from crying when that happens.
But, it wasn’t these things that elicited my random act of cussing.
It was the commercial, advertising their cards. Specifically, it was the card commercial discussing a card for someone who has gone through miscarriage. . . written by a woman who had also gone through the loss of a baby. She talked about her reasons for making this particular card.
“People always say ‘You’ll get over this’ or ask ‘Why haven’t you gotten past this’.” What they don’t realize is that, even though it may have been a short experience, you still fell in love.”
(paraphrased)
My husband turned to me, trying to tell me how sweet that was, but he found me in tears.
That woman had it exactly right. Five years ago, I was only a mother for a few short, short weeks, but I fell in love –head over heels in love.
When the Little Lady joined our lives, the pain of inferility was silenced. While I didn’t forget my 1st daughter, I forgot about the frustration of not having a child. I was happy with my child, who came to us in a miraculous way.
But, the past couple of weeks have been hard again. My infertility has been at the forefront of my mind. I want a second baby — a little sister for the Little Lady. But, we can’t afford a second adoption right now and my body doesn’t want to work. (D@mn ovaries)
I shouldn’t be upset; I shouldn’t be depressed over this. I have an amazing daughter — a bright, energetic, beautiful child who make me laugh each and every day. God blessed us a thousand times when He gave her to us. So, why am I not content? Why am I, once again, dealing with this desire, frustration, and anger? Why am I wanting another child — when I have one?
Why doesn’t it just end? I DON’T understand why I can’t either get over it all OR have a body that works. If I’m going to be stuck with infertility, why can’t I deal with it? Why do I have to continue on this roller-coaster? Where’s the fairness in that?
How do I move past this?
I’m serious with this question — I want to know how I move past this, once and for all. I don’t want to be upset when I hear of pregnancies. I don’t want to hate my ineffective body. I don’t want to be sad. I want to enjoy my family, without the “if only’s” floating around in the back of my mind.
How do I move past this?
